That Which She Cannot Say

“ some nights, i miss you so much my stomach turns, and i feel uncomfortable and sick. i turn the computer back on, i need music. i can’t sleep. i lay on my stomach and i swear i’d die without you, because i need you. trees need branches, people need oxygen, fish need water, the sky needs the sun, beds need lovers, and i need you. that’s just how it works, and i don’t question it. the only thing that will calm my smoldering guts is desperately trying to explain how i love you and i need you, but i can only come close, i guess nothing says i love you like i love you; i love you.
on these nights, i realize that i couldn’t do it without you. i couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, because i would have nowhere to be. having somewhere to be is a gift and some nights i can’t stop thinking about it. i mean, god fucking damn, i really don’t think i ever had anywhere to be, i only had somewhere to go, never something to do, only something to avoid, untill i met you.
some nights i know that if i missed you anymore my stomach acid would break the barrier of my stomach wall and i would be crawling on my hands and knees finding a tactful place to free my bile from my throat. i just get so wrapped up some days that i forget to stop and go “dear god, i’ve met someone, someone really really real, and i’ve fallen in love with her; literally fallen, face first, no safety net, fallen” i know now that love is an unavoidable feeling, when you can feel nothing else at all. and when i look at you, i feel like a child staring into the sun after his mother warned him he would go blind, and like looking into the sun when i look away i realize that i can’t see anything else. just you. and like the sun you keep my cold world warm and bright.
some nights i realize that i can’t picture myself happy without you, and i miss you, and i get a bit choked up and i try to maintain my calm, realizing it wasn’t there to begin with. and god, you haven’t even been asleep that long and i swear it could kill me because it feels like… i don’t even know because time just stops making sense after a while.
some nights i just lay here trying to calm my stomach and i realize i never want to sleep without you by my side. and i want to wrap you in close and forget everything else. i feel i’m more likely to slip into a coma than fall asleep when i’m like this. i don’t know how i deserve you, or honestly if i even do, but i guess thats how it goes.
some nights i touch my keyboard and think about how you’re fingers were there not so long ago.
i think about how you laid on my pillow and it becomes a prized possession, and the more i think the more i miss you, the more i miss you the more i feel sick, and the more i feel sick the more i start to think i’m losing my mind.
it’s fucking insomnia, i’m a fucking insomniac, because i can’t wait seven hours and fifty five minutes to see you, it’s like being surrounded by the sheer fact that i’m stuck here and you’re there and it’s too much. once in a while my eyes burn because my body needs sleep and my brain can’t stop thinking of you. it’s like my body is exhausted, but my head is working overtime. my brain is a workaholic, the kind that drinks three pots of coffee early to stay up late doing extra. on my insomnia nights i picture you. i picture you at every point, and i know i’m looking first hand, because i’d have a stroke imagining someone else loving you. i picture you graduating and myself in the front row in a suit holding a slew of flowers just so people can ask who they’re for and i can tell them that they’re for the love of my life. it’s all out of order. i picture the day i first met you, and all i want to do is step back and realize, i’m going to fall hopelessly in love with this girl. i picture you on a swing in a gorgeous wedding dress with a huge smile, no clue that i’m hiding a plate of cake to get you back with. i picture laying on the trampoline with you staring at calm april stars, and talking about nothing at all. i imagine pulling you close and kissing you in a terrestrial downpour of rain, struck by the realization that nothing else matters.
some nights i feel like telling you these things, is the only way i’ll ever have a chance to get some sleep.
this was one of those nights. ”